


The Manny

by MediumSizedEvil



Series: Really Ridiculous AU's [6]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Everything is awesome!, F/M, I'm on a boat, Incredible Thoughts, Kid Fic, The hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiills are alive, with the sound of TLI
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:42:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22652701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MediumSizedEvil/pseuds/MediumSizedEvil
Summary: She was the youngest Captain in the NYPD, widowed with three children.He had style, he had flair, he was there. That's how he became The Manny.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Series: Really Ridiculous AU's [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1437790
Comments: 21
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

Jake's hand was hovering over the doorbell when the front door opened and a woman rushed outside, almost bumping into him. “I'm so sorry!” he exclaimed.

“Oh, are you from the agency?” she asked hurriedly. “You're late! Well, don't just stand there, come in. Get to work.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him inside. “This is Charles, he'll explain everything. I have to go now. Good luck! Oh, Gracie is allergic to strawberries.” She pulled the door shut behind her. 

Jake looked around. There was a butler standing by the staircase, dusting the railings. That must be Charles, he guessed. The well-attired man lowered his feather duster and cleared his throat. “Good afternoon. Are you Miss Maria...ehm...” He checked a piece of paper from his jacket. “...Poppins?”

“Eh, last time I checked, no.” Jake took a deep breath. “But do you want to know how to live a healthier life and become an independent distributor for America's fastest growing pyramid scheme?”

The phone rang. “Excuse me,” the butler said and picked up the receiver. “This is the Wells-Santiago residence, how may I help you?” He hummed and hawed a whole lot before putting down the receiver. “Well, that was the agency,” he said with a sigh, “To tell me that Miss Poppins has been deported for overstaying her visa.”

“What a shame,” Jake said. “But do you have a moment to hear about a fantastic opportunity for your body and your wallet?”

The butler politely smiled at him. “Yes, I'd love to, but I really have to hurry to pick up Captain Santiago's dry-cleaning now.” He opened the front door and Jake reluctantly prepared to leave.

“Charles!” he suddenly heard behind him. Jake turned around and saw a young boy running up to the butler. “I cut my finger! It's bleeding!”

Charles grabbed the door and instantly turned green at the gills. “I...feel...faint...” he stammered, unsteady on his feet. Jake grabbed his arm and pushed him out the door. “Get some fresh air!” he yelled after him. “Go to the dry-cleaner's!”

Then he turned back to the boy. “Now what do we have here?”

“It's bleeding!” he said, proudly holding up his finger.

“Yes, I can see that. Where do you keep the band-aids?”

He shrugged. “I dunno.”

“Alright, let's try the kitchen.” He followed the boy into the adjacent room and gave him a piece of kitchen towel while he located the band-aids in the back of the 'anything' drawer. “Hey, what's your name?” he asked while securely wrapping up his finger.

“Brighton.”

“Now Brighton, what were you doing playing with knives?” he asked sternly.

“I was just cutting some ice cream!” he protested.

Jake sighed. “Next time use a spoon, alright?”

“Spoons are lame.”

“No, spoons are metal.”

Brighton looked surprised. “Okay.” Then he looked at his finger. “It's pink!” he exclaimed. “I don't want a pink one. Pink is for girls!”

“That's your skin color,” Jake explained.

“Oh, I thought I was white?”

Jake slapped his forehead. “Yes, but you're also part My Little Pony.”

Brighton looked pensive. “Must be on my dad's side then, because my mom is Cuban.”

“Well, does your dad eat a lot of oats?”

“Not really, he's dead.”

Then he heard a loud cough, and he turned around to see two girls standing in the kitchen.

“Who are you?” the little one asked sternly. “What are you doing here?” 

“I'm Jake and I'm giving first aid.”

“Who let you in?” the tall one asked.

“Charles did. I'm just waiting till he gets back from the dry-cleaner's so I can give him my amazing spiel about multi-level-marketing, the future of sales.”

She shrugged. “Alright then. I'm Maggie, and this is Gracie.”

“Nice to meet you, Maggie and Gracie. So Captain Santiago is your mom?”

They nodded.

“And what is she Captain of?”

“The Black Pearl, and all who sail in her,” Maggie stated.

“No, she's the Captain of the Starship Enterprise,” Brighton corrected her.

Gracie sighed. “Don't listen to them, they're just trying to make fun of you. Our mother is a highly decorated Captain in the Bolivian Navy.”

“Ha! You're pulling my leg,” Jake exclaimed. “Your brother told me she was Cuban. Besides, Bolivia is landlocked.”

“But they still have a Navy,” Gracie insisted. “Just in case.”

Charles cleared his throat. “Captain Santiago is the youngest Police Captain in the history of the NYPD.” He was holding up her dry-cleaned dress uniform as proof.

“Ah, you're back!” Jake exclaimed. “Well, have a seat and let me tell you all about the healthiest supplements for your heart and your bank account.”

“Just a moment, I have to contact the nanny agency first. They promised to call me back when they had a replacement, but I haven't heard anything yet.”

Jake sat down and stared at the ugly wall art while Charles made a phone call and sighed a lot.

“Well, they don't have anyone else available in the short term.” Charles grabbed his hair in frustration. “And I have to get the groceries now. What if Gracie burns down the house with another one of her chemistry experiment?”

“Yes, that would be awful.” Not for the art, but the rest of the house was quite nice.

“Hey, can you stay around and watch the children for a while?”

“Uhm...”

“I'll listen to your presentation when I get back, I promise.”

“Eh...alright then.”

“I'll just give the Captain a call and propose it, okay? She's already met you, so I'm sure she's fine with it.”

Jake envied the butler his unbridled optimism.

Meanwhile Charles had managed to reach Captain Santiago. “Aha, aha. Of course. Wait!” He turned to Jake. “Are you qualified to work with children?”

“Oh yes. I work as a camp counselor every summer.” He pulled up some pictures on his phone. “See? I can play the guitar and sing Hakuna Matata.”

“Okay, you're hired.”


	2. Chapter 2

Captain Santiago rushed down the stairs in her dress blues, waved goodbye to the children and sped out the door. Jake thought she looked really hot, but he kept that opinion to himself.

Gracie looked at him and frowned. “Do you have a uniform kink?”

“What? No, I just...like the color blue. Because it's...manly.” Somehow he'd managed to make it even worse.

“It's alright. We can't control what we find arousing,” Gracie reassured him.

“Why is Captain Santiago so sad?” he asked Charles after the children had gone to bed, and he had read a whole chapter of Ulysses to Gracie. “Is she still mourning her husband?”

The butler let out a deep sigh. “The thing is, I think she blames herself for his death.”

“That's terrible. How come?”

“Well one time they were having an argument, and she might have mentioned that he was a bit, you know...” Charles didn't finish his sentence, as if it were self-explanatory.

“Uh, rude?” Jake guessed. “Smelly? Lazy? Racist? Loud in the bathroom?”

“No! No!” Charles objected. “ _Boring_. She said he was a bit boring. And then next thing you know he joined the Bomb Squad.”

“Oh no, and then he exploded? That's awful, man. I mean, I've never exploded, but I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how, I just know. I've always just known.”

Charles shook his head. “No, he didn't explode. He choked on a fish bone at the Annual Bomb Squad Medieval Times Dinner Show Christmas Extravaganza.”

“Oh that's rough. No idea what that's like though, I'm Jewish.”

“I understand. Christmas is like Hanukkah, but more compact,” Charles explained.

“No, we don't leave the bones in the fish.”

“Ah, okay. Well anyway, I believe Captain Santiago could use a bit of 'cheering up,' if you know what I mean...”

“Charles, I work here! She's my boss.”

He nodded. “Yes, that always adds a bit of spice, I think. There was this one time when I-”

“Just stop, please.”

After Jake had gone home to get his things Charles showed him to his room. The bed had bouncy springs, that was awesome, and he had his own ensuite bathroom. He put his rubber ducky on the edge of the bath and sighed deeply. “A Captain with three children, what's so fearsome about that?” he mused. Then he carefully drew a bath – not too hot – for his remote control pirate ship called Steve. “Hmmmm, do you want bubbles tonight?”

Later he snuggled under the blankets and quickly fell asleep. However, he was woken up in the middle of the night by a loud clash of thunder. It was raining heavily, and branches were hitting the window. Then lightning struck, and he suddenly saw the silhouette of a young woman standing next to his bed.

They both started screaming. Then Jake turned on his light and saw it was just Maggie. He quickly covered himself with his duvet. “What are you doing here?” he exclaimed.

“Shhhh,” she urged. 

He suddenly noticed her dress was soaking wet.

“What are you doing in my room?” he whispered.

“I just came in through window, via the balcony, okay?” she explained. She tiptoed to the door and opened it slightly to look into the hallway. Then she quickly shut the door again and mouthed 'Charles' with a panicked face. Jake pointed to the door of the ensuite bathroom, and she rushed in there.

The door opened. “Hey, are you alright?” Charles asked. “I thought I heard someone screaming.”

“Yeah, that was me,” Jake explained. “I had a nightmare. I dreamed that Cher got a bob cut.”

He nodded understandingly. “I know, it can be stressful, the first night in a strange place. Well, good luck.”

“Thanks. Bye Charles.”

A few moments later Maggie came back in with a thick, fluffy bathrobe over her wet dress.

“Is he gone?” she whispered.

“Let's wait a little bit longer, just in case,” Jake advised. “And in the mean time you can tell me why you were out there in the middle of the night in a soaking wet dress.”

Maggie pouted. “You're not my mom!”

“She'd have a fit, wouldn't she, if she knew?”

She slowly nodded. “Yeah.”

“So is he cute?”

Maggie started smiling. “Yeah, he's very nice and handsome,” she said dreamily. “He's in really great shape, and he mostly wears plaid shirts.”

“Cool cool cool.”

“He likes _nouvelle vague_ movies, and he talks a lot about Justin Trudeau's beard,” she continued. “Oh no!” she suddenly exclaimed. “I think he might be...” She gasped loudly. “...Canadian.”

Just then lightning struck followed by a loud bang. The windows rattled and a large tree branch hit the glass. The door opened and Gracie stormed into the room.

She grabbed the railing of Jake's bed and only then seemed to realize who was in it. “Ehm...” she said. “I just wanted to observe this natural phenomenon from the best vantage point.”

Lightning struck again, and Brighton ran into the room. “Ehm...I need to check the grouts. As the man of the house.”

“No doubt, no doubt,” Jake said. “Is it grouts shooting season?” Then he sighed deeply. “You know, whenever I'm feeling a bit scared - which is not often, but it happens - what I do is I just think about the most incredible thoughts.”

Gracie looked up. “Like what?”

“Like, let's see, raindrops on roses,” he started, “that fall from tremendous heights.”

There was a loud chorus of 'ooooohs'.

“And whiskers on kittens,” he continued, “addicted to the cocaine.”

There was a loud chorus of 'aaaaaahs'.

“These are a just few of my incredible thoughts!” he concluded. “Now let's all sing together.”

Soon they were all jumping on the bed and running around the room while singing, “Raindrops on roses, that fall from tremendous heights.” Gracie smacked Jake in the face with a pillow. “And whiskers on kittens, addicted to the cocai-”

Just then Captain Santiago entered the room. “What is going on here?” she exclaimed. She turned to Jake with a murderous look. “Were you just singing a song to my children about cats doing cocaine?”

“Eh...maybe?”

“And it's long past bedtime. Off you go!” The children obediently marched back to their rooms. “And I'll deal with you tomorrow,” she added menacingly, before closing the door behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning Jake quietly entered the kitchen, where Charles was clearing away the children's breakfast.

“Good morning!” the butler said cheerfully. “I'm afraid Captain Santiago was called away on urgent police business. But she left a note saying that she will talk to you tonight, and that you are under strict instructions not to mention any Class A drugs to the children nor bring up any other inappropriate subjects.”

“Eh, alright.” Jake quickly made a sandwich and walked into the living room. Maggie was splayed out on the sofa watching a movie on her phone, Brighton was investing his pocket money in emerging markets and Gracie was reading a book on geophysics.

“Can you please take the children outside today?” Charles asked. “I need to shampoo the carpets.”

They loudly complained, but Jake grabbed his guitar and off they went to the park.

“Brighton, please don't throw stuff on the ground.”

“But the butler will pick it up!”

“Yeah, but we don't have outdoor butlers in the park.”

“Oh, okay.”

“This is nice actually,” Maggie sighed. “We haven't been to the park in ages.”

“Why not?”

Gracie shrugged. “Mommy always used to take us to the park when dad was brewing beer cause it smelled so bad. 

Maggie nodded. “Or in the winter we would go to a museum or an art gallery.”

“And dad would take us to the farmer's market to buy fresh yeast,” Brighton added. “One time he even took me to the Gentleman's Sock Emporium on Fifth Avenue afterwards!”

“He took me to jazz brunch once,” Maggie said, “Cause I said I liked The Great Gatsby movie.”

“And daddy showed me how to distill cognac,” Gracie recalled.

Jake nodded. “You must miss him a lot. And I'm sure your mother does too.”

“Yes,” Gracie agreed. “He just can't satisfy her in the bedroom ever since he passed away. So now she's sad all the time, in the amygdala.”

“And that's why she's always working,” Maggie explained.

“Hey, maybe we should learn a nice song for your mother, to cheer her up a bit.”

“But we can't sing!” Brighton exclaimed.

“But you were singing last night!”

“That was just a continuity error,” Gracie explained.

“Yes, we really can't sing,” Maggie stated.

“Nonsense. Anyone can sing. I'll just teach you the basics.” He grabbed his guitar. “So we start with...AAAAAAAH!”

They stared at him.

“You know, like you're at the dentist. That's the first note.” Jake strummed another chord. “Then BEEEEEEE! A deadly allerGEEEEEEE!”

They nodded worriedly.

“And CEEEEEEE! How did I get up in this TREEEEEE?”

“Where?” Gracie asked, looking around at the trees.

“Eh, metaphorically.”

She nodded gravely. “Oh, you mean like poetic license?”

“Exactly. And then there's the DEEeeee...no wait...let's skip that one.”

“Why?”

“Eh...you know, actually we should do this with Do-Re-Mi instead.” Jake cleared his throat and strummed a few chords. “Here goes: _Do, is money, a nice bit of cash, Re...a cool dude with glasses._ ”

“You know mom's rabbi?” Maggie wondered.

Jake nodded, although he didn't quite understand the question. “ _Mi, that's Indonesian noodles_ ,” he continued, “ _Fa, a fragrant body wash!_ ”

“Cool,” Brighton said, bobbing his head.

“ _So, when something's mediocre, La, a note to follow So._ ”

“That's a lame cop-out,” Gracie opined.

“ _Ti..._ eh, I can't think of anything that sounds like Ti,” Jake admitted.

“That thing you put your golf balls on!”

“Ah thanks, Brighton! _Ti, that thing you put your golf balls on! And that brings us back to Do, Do, Do, Do, Do. Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do. So-Do!_ ”

A short montage later they were on the East River ferry eating bagels.

“So now that you know how to sing, you can make your own song,” Jake explained.

“About what?” Gracie wondered.

“Well, about anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, anything you like.”

Maggie looked out over the wild waves. “What about...the Pirates of the Caribbean movie?”

“Of course you can write a song about that!”

Brighton frowned. “What about...throwing stuff on the ground?”

“Sure!”

“Semicolons?” Gracie asked.

“Of course!”

“About how much I love my mom?”

“Eh...no. You can't write a song about that.” Jake cleared his throat. “But sometimes you just gotta freewheel it. Just sing about what's going on, whatever pops into your head.”

“Like, I'm on a boat and, ehm...it's going fast?” Gracie asked.

“Sure, why not. Who's next?”

“I've got a nautical themed pashmina afghan,” Brighton added.

“Weird flex, but okay,” Jake said. “Keep going.”

Maggie spread her arms. “I'm the king of the world, on a boat like Leo!”

“Yeah, that's great! Now let's put it all together.” He strummed a few chords on his guitar. “ _I'm on a boat and, it's going fast and, I got a nautical themed pashmina afghan. I'm the king of the world, on a boat like Leo. If you're on the shore, then you're sure not me-oh!_ ”

“That's dope,” Gracie agreed, bobbing her head. Then they all sang it together, and they made up another ten verses. They went home when it started to rain, hoping that Charles was finished with the carpets. He wasn't, but he allowed them to stay in the kitchen as it was fully tiled.

Jake shook his head. “Wow, he sure does love shampooing those carpets.”

Gracie nodded. “Yes, that's because he's sexually frustrated.”

Jake quickly changed the subject, and after patiently explaining what rugelach was they decided to bake some cupcakes instead. When they came out of the oven Gracie performed a thorough quality check on each cupcake, Maggie did her magic with the pink frosting and Brighton made an unholy mess with blue frosting on his manly cupcakes.

Meanwhile Jake put the chocolate frosting in a piping bag and cut off the end. Hmmm, maybe the hole was a bit too big. He carefully squeezed the bag.

“What's going on here?” he heard behind him. He zipped around and accidentally shot chocolate frosting all over a surprised Captain Santiago's face. “I'm so sorry!” he exclaimed, while the children started laughing hysterically.

“What...you idiot!” she yelled, furiously wiping her brow.

“But mom...” Gracie tried.

“No buts.”

“Title of your sex tape,” Jake let slip.

“That is the last straw!” she fumed. “Go upstairs, pack your things and get out of my house!”


	4. Chapter 4

When Jake came downstairs with his suitcase and guitar the children were sitting demurely on the freshly cleaned carpet between piles of Legos.

“Oh no!” Maggie exclaimed. “I fell off my thoroughbred in Central Park.”

Brighton rushed to the scene. “And then Batman swooped down and caught the runaway horse!”

“You have a concussion,” Gracie said. “You need 10 milligrams of ibuprofen.”

“Hey, you guys are playing together!” Captain Santiago exclaimed, still holding a towel full of chocolate frosting.

Maggie looked up. “They're not so bad, once you get to know them.”

Brighton nodded. “Everything is awesome when you're part of a team. That's what Jake said.”

“And we all have our special qualities,” Gracie added sagely.

“Why don't you join us, mom?” Maggie asked.

Brighton held up a Lego woman. “Here, you can be Captain Santiago! The greatest superhero of New York.” 

She knelt down and hugged her children. “You're right, we are a team. I guess I've been thinking too much about work lately. We should really do more awesome things together as a family.”

Jake smiled and quietly moved towards the front door. “Wait!” she called after him. “Thanks for making me see what's really important. Won't you stay?”

He hesitated. “Well, alright then!” he said at last. “I quite like the jacuzzi.”

“You used my jacuzzi???”

“Eh...no...I mean...I just sailed my remote control pirate ship called Steve in it.”

“But that's where my goldfish lives!”

“It's alright, they're friends now,” Jake reassured her.

“Awesome!” Brighton exclaimed. “Everything is better when we stick together. Jake, come and play Legos with us and mom.”

“And sing a song!” Gracie added.

“A Lego...Musical?” Jake asked, grabbing his guitar. “That's awesome!”

“Everything is awesome!” Maggie agreed.

“Like socks!” Brighton said.

“And rocks,” Gracie added.

“And...clocks?” Captain Santiago said.

“That's great!” Jake said, strumming a few chords. “So what else is awesome?” he asked her.

“Ehm...a Nobel Prize,” she replied.

“A pile of dough and a bunch of tees,” Brighton opined.

“A book of Greek antiquities!” Gracie added.

“Brown paper packages tied up with a piece of string,” Maggie said.

Jake nodded. “You know what's awesome?”

“EVERYTHING!”

Later that evening after the children had gone to bed Jake sighed deeply and picked up his guitar from the couch. “You're so lucky, they really are amazing kids,” he told Captain Santiago in passing.

“Thanks, and I'm so glad you've decided to stay.”

He smiled. “It seems I've found my true calling.”

“Yes, I really think you have.”

“You know, I wanted to be a cop once,” Jake admitted. “But I got kicked out of the Academy.”

“Oh really? What for?”

“Reporting a sexual assault. Yeah, it's not funny, but that's the reality of it.”

“I'm really sorry that happened to you. I'm doing everything I can to change the culture.”

He nodded. “I know.”

“And I think you would have made an amazing cop.”

“Thanks. And I really respect everything you've achieved on your own.”

“Well, it'll be a lot easier now that I know things are going smoothly at home,” she admitted.

Jake boldly took a step closer. Right on a Lego. “Ooooww!” he yelled.

She started laughing. “Welcome to parenthood. That's the worst part of it.”

He looked incredulous. “You mean that stepping on a Lego is more painful than shoving an infant's head out of your garage?”

She shook her head. “My garage?”

“Or your stable. Whatever you fancy people call it.”

“But I'm not fancy at all,” she protested. “Teddy came from money, but I'm just a regular girl.”

“And I'm just a regular guy.”

“No, I think you're really...magical. A magical manny.”

Jake smiled. “Well I think you're...pretty awesome. Like, more awesome than an awesome possum.”

“Dip my body in chocolate frostin',” she whispered.

The next morning Jake was violently woken by Gracie jumping on his belly shouting 'Sunday hugs!' and then screaming like a banshee when he lifted his sleepy head above the duvet.

“Calm down, calm down,” he said, “It's just me.”

She stared at him. “What are you doing here? This is mom's bed!”

“Ehm, well...sometimes, something beautiful happens in this world,” he explained.

“You just had sex?”

“Gracie!” Captain Santiago exclaimed. “We just...hugged.”

“Why are you wearing dad's pajamas?” Brighton asked, who had also come in for Sunday hugs.

“Yes, I think that's wrong,” Maggie added.

Then Charles burst into the room. “I have incredible news,” he said breathlessly. “Canada has invaded!”


End file.
